Bristol Palin Is Pissing Me Off

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Maybe it’s the penicillin, maybe it’s the sugar levels in my blood taking a nosedive because I’m off the apple juice, whatever it is I saw a public service announcement about the evils of teen pregnancy starring Bristol Palin and her child, and it just pissed me off.

In the PSA she stands in an upscale condo, with her baby in her arms, wearing her Sunday best pearls, and she asks a series of questions as the camera tracks closer to her face. After the last question the camera pulls back and she’s wearing sloppy clothes, the condo is now a slum, and the baby is walking around with a needle hanging out of his scabby arm.

Or something. Whatever. The point is either we’re supposed to fear being poor outright, or we’re supposed to fear having sex while poor.

From start to finish the entire thirty seconds is filled with exactly the kind of hypocrisy and bullshit pop psychology Sarah Palin — her mother — preaches in front of people who think Glenn Beck is saving America.

Even the name of the campaign, “Pause Before You Play”, makes absolutely no sense… because Bristol is supposed to be selling abstinence, but Pausing *Before* Fucking, to me, means there’s a restart coming fairly quickly.

So I answered all of Bristol’s questions for her, because that’s how fucking cool I am.

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YouTube Alert

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1. What if I didn’t come from a famous family?

Your family is famous for being morons. Google it.

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2. What if I didn’t have all their support?

You don’t. Your mom is off trying to organize the 35% of Americans who think basic health care reform — you know, so a young mother’s baby can’t be refused health coverage — is Communism.

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3. What if I couldn’t finish my education?

You mean, like, what if ideologues hadn’t been voted into State and Federal governments who then proceeded to gut programs supporting single mothers? Ask your mom and her fellow FOX-a-maniacs about that one.

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4. What if I didn’t have all of these opportunities?

Well, I guess you’d be just like the 98% of Americans whose mommy didn’t make $12million last year talkin’ ’bout gettin’ rid of dem programs which help the people you don’t want to be.

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“Believe me, it wouldn’t be pretty.”

Fuck. You. I get it, we all get it, having babies is best done after twenty. But kids fuck, and if the only answer you and your mother have is some bullshit based on your religion… well that’s not nearly enough of an answer.

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It’s not really your fault, Bristol, that your mother unwittingly raised a sex maniac. She did her job and taught you all about abstinence and chastity vows and real Family Values, and you broke her heart by going out and fucking a moron bareback because you had no idea what contraception was.

And now you’re on The View and GMA, teaching millions of teens about the shame you feel about having to raise your little mistake, and how they all should sign chastity vows and abstain from sex… because it worked in your case, so it should work in theirs.

…in other news, this year the US will start sending millions of ‘female condoms’ to Africa, in addition to the tens of millions of regular ‘dude sheaths’.

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...thanks.

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About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression in 1989, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. I have a 4-year old son, I'm helping to raise my 8-year old step-son, I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm not sure if I still have a book deal.
This entry was posted in crazy people with no pants, Health, Humor, Humour, Mental Health, Politics, Poverty, Pregnancy and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Bristol Palin Is Pissing Me Off

  1. SwirlyAura says:

    Hallelujah my friend

  2. Gabriel... says:

    Thanks. It’s the hypocrisy that gets me. Bristol should be able to admit that forcing what’s-his-name to wear a condom would have been the right thing to do, but she can’t, because it’s about politics and not common sense.

    And how incredibly earnest she and her mother are about all of this abstinence bullshit, even though they know condoms and sex education should be part of the curriculum. Morons.

  3. Yo is Me says:

    UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

    they bother me. they’re whole family bothers me. what the HELL, Palins? for that matter, what the HELL, Americans? i’m scared that we’re giving her so much “airtime”, so much clout, so much attention to her half brained, hand scribbled sound bites.

    i’m afraid of 2012.

    can i stay at your house?

  4. Yo is Me says:

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!!!! bristol SAID that abstinence wasn’t possible!!! waaaay before, in the beginning, while her mom was still running. before she quit her job as governor. before they started doing her hair and buying her clothes.

  5. Clare says:

    Prince had it right: pussy control.

  6. Gabriel... says:

    Obviously I need to listen to more Prince.

    I found this in the comment section of an OpEd on Slate (“Hegemoron: Sarah Palin’s ignorant imperialism”), and it gives me hope for the future:

    “I don’t think there is literally anything Palin can do to discredit herself. No matter how many stupid things she says, how hypocritical and irresponsible she acts, how utterly unfit for any level of public office she proves herself to be, the corporate foxnews led media will not let her political aspirations die. They will milk the Palin cow for as long as they can.”

    2012 is a long way off, so we will have to put up with these people blathering on about the bullshit that forms in their twisted minds for two more years… BUT, after that they’re toast. Sarah will lose the election, and taa daa… she becomes irrelevant to FoxNews.

  7. Meg says:

    This post is freaking hilarious. I love it.

  8. Pingback: Drugging Kids & Bristol Palin | Raising Bipolar

  9. Gabriel... says:

    Thanks Meg, it was fun to write… I don’t get a lot of opportunities to work my satirical / sardonic writing skills on this blog. Which is probably best for everyone involved…

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